Best friends and lovers
6 02 2007A colleague mentioned relationships in the US are different than in France. Apart from the myriad of obvious reasons this is true I asked him to explain. “Americans marry their best friends. Europeans marry their lovers.” I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I don’t know if I have an answer, but I’ve definitely got some ideas…
In America I was brought up to believe that men and women are essentially equal. Sure there are the general observations about women being more emotional than men, men being physically stronger than women, women having longer endurance than men, and perhaps even being able to take more pain than men (not taking into account Jack Bauer). But all of this is generally irrelevant because we don’t interact with general ideas of each other – we interact with people who come in all shapes, sizes, mentalities, abilities.
What equality really means is that every man and woman has the same possibility to become something. CEO, homemaker, entrepreneur, athlete, accountant, musician, artist. Whether they attain these positions or not is up to them. There are too many physiological differences between us to really be considered the same -I mean seriously, women have the ability to create life inside of them, birth them (squeezing a watermelon out of a hole the size of a lemon), and feed them using milk their bodies make! I have a penis. End of story.
But this idea of equality has changed our vision of gender roles and relationships… Simply by having the option to become anything we became something else. We have, in some ways, convinced ourselves that we are alike, regardless of our physical differences and our instincts. This re-interpreted vision of ourselves has had a direct impact on the way we view relationships.
The reason I bring this up is that I spoke with a woman who said she married her best friend (seemingly ideal) and eventually just got bored and they divorced after 8 years. This is something I’ve heard several times, but never really explored until now. I wonder if the ebb and flow within a natural relationship is necessary to retain interest? Perhaps somehow by marrying someone that you are so close to, sharing everything with – you actaully take away some mystery in the relationship and thus some of the interest and attraction as the years pass.
I say there are three things that must be present for a good relationship: physical attraction, mental attraction, and chemistry. People throw around that last one a lot, but I think it boils down to sexual tension and the way in which we parlay our physical attractions to each other. There should be a good amount of all three in a healthy relationship. By placing an extremely high priority on mental attraction (or how well we connect) and downplaying the physical / sexual side of the relationship, perhaps we upset the delicate balance of the relationship… I just don’t know.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this because my mind is certainly not made up.
Mystery and unspoken nuances are what I define as key elements of building the lover. The Best Friend and the Lover are distinct relationships, which embody these different forms of marriage in the US and France respective. The Lover-Marriage is one that I see as that of a long lasting and enduring one, simply because of the notion of mystery. Exposing all, reveals the good with the bad, and it is precisely that which causes Americans to marry their best friend, only to cheat on them with their lover.
A much more stable and healthy marriage is one where physicality is shared with your lover, and an external best friend is not only accepted but also encouraged. External friendship is acceptable to a lover-based marriage versus external sexual relationships not-acceptable to a best-friend based marriage.
I would have to agree with Rishi D’s thoughts about marry a best friend or a lover. We don’t want a relationship with ourselves and marrying someone who has that much in common with us is essentially what’s happening. Honestly, how boring would that be? There would be no growth or learning from one another, no little conflicts to discuss and settle, and nothing to maintain one’s interest at home. Or how horrible would that be if you both had strong personality? Imagine out right fighting or a home in chaos all the time. Now, I’m not saying that a complete polar opposite is the right answer either because on a basic moral level some beliefs need to be very similar or complimentary for any relationship to work but its ok to look outside your norm for potential relationships; you might be very pleasantly surprised. I’ve learned that there are no absolutes in this world and we must learn to respect each others opinion, not change our own, but respect the right of someone else to express theirs and learn from their ideas and beliefs. I think people need to understand that it’s ok for them to agree to disagree with the people in their relationships be it with friends, family, or lovers. A person’s best friend would already know all these aspect or quirks and there would be very little to surprise either individual over time whereas with a lover, both would experience new reactions and feelings all the time with their partner. Lovers could grow in time to be one another’s best friends thus strengthening the marriage rather than the monotony of a friend-based marriage that crumbles when there is nothing left to learn in each other and attentions start drifting elsewhere to find the intrigue lost. And that is never a good scenario for anyone to endure.
I’ve never been married, I have had lovers and best friends, I have had lovers who are best friends, and I once wanted to marry a best friend who was also a lover. And I have a penis too.
My ideal marriage partner would be one that more closely fits the definition of a partner I have been subconsciously creating since birth. Currently, that person and I must have a mutal sexual attraction, chemisty, and possess similar life goals/values. What I mean is, not only does the sexual side of a marriage or any serious romantic relationship for that matter need to be stong but the more incredible and inspiring activities and conversations should originate post or even sans coitus.
I want to talk to someone and feel connected more than I want to physically connect. I’ve never been to France or had this discussion with a French person but this is what I desire for whatever it’s worth.
Isn’t the best to marry the one who is at the same time your best friend and lover…?
I think that is what your French friend meant. The most important is not the rational side – to be with someone who has the same values, etc. – but as you said the chemistry. However, if there are no common basic values, marriage won’t last long… So the “best friend” aspect is necessary to build something that last.
I just have the impression in the US, a lot of people (not every single one) prefer to choose the “first acceptable” rational solution and have an efficient and socially sucessful marriage, rather than wait for the one who will both attract you by his/her mental personality (humor, intelligence, spirituality, etc.) and create a physical addiction and passion that you can hardly control… And I noticed that IN GENERAL, in France people wait a longer time to marry after they met someone, maybe because they want to be sure the passion will last, when in the US the decision is taken more quickly as if rational reasons (this is the good person for me) would be enough. Well, that’s the result of my French-American experience and observations. And this is in general, not always the case!
A related topic is the US system of dating and French implicit principle of exclusivity within a couple. I’ve got the impression that in the US, when a date becomes a boy/girlfriend, it is very near from engagement… It already means a lot. So exclusivity comes relatively “late” and engagement relatively early in comparison to French couples, where exclusivity is implied from the first kiss and where you can have many long exclusive relationshis (more than 1 year) before finding the right one.
Maybe I am wrong, I’d like to hear more about the experiences of Americans about this subject…